by Angie Steinke

Reflection from October 24, 2018

Note to the reader: This reflection was written 3 months after a piece titled: Dangerously Tired? If you want to enjoy the narrative in its chronological flow, please read Dangerously Tired? prior to this so you can track with me and understand a few of the things I’m referring to here from the other piece. Invitation to Retreat is the title of a book by Ruth Haley Barton, which she was working on during our Transforming Community and was the topic that anchored our 2nd retreat experience.

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Invitation
The idea that God is inviting me to retreat, or in His specific words, “rest…rest…rest…” is finally starting to sink in. 

My reactions to this invitation have ranged from thoughts like “What does that really mean?” to a somewhat juvenile response, like “I’m not tired. I don’t want to rest. This is boring!” to “What if there is something wrong with me?” or “Well, now what am I supposed to DO??” And just now settling into this moment, I say; “Here I am  Lord, I am listening.” Phew! It’s like I had to go through the 5 stages of acceptance or something to get here. Is that a thing?

The Real Invitation
“I choose YOU to come away with Me to rest and retreat.” Wow! THIS IS AMAZING! 

I am a loyal, responsible, oldest daughter of a large family as well as a wife and mother of five children, serving in ministry for over 30 years as well as being a school teacher. It was my joy and choice to enter this lifestyle, however, it comes with a whole bunch of you-should’s and you-must’s and you-have-to’s. There’s always a lot of work to do! Sometimes the choices seem few, and I know I’m speaking to the choir here, especially if you are a woman in leadership with a family. 

But now, I feel this hope rising up in my girlish soul after the last few months. Could it be possible that the Lord  wants me to really get this? For me, after all this time, to learn a better way to be with Him? You know I am kind of a hard sell on things like this. However, I am beginning to settle into this invitation to “Come away and REST, REST, REST.” Perhaps that’s why the Lord had to say it three times! What’s even more curious is every time I start to look for new employment, or try to engage in an all consuming project, I feel the Lord’s silence. He seems to get very quiet. He is stubborn and sweet like that I think. He stays on topic.

To Be Wanted
Perhaps this is so close to the surface for me, it has driven much of my hard work. I have to admit that I enjoy work, it is good to work hard and benefit from the fruits of a job well done. It is also exhilarating to be a part of a dynamic team who include and recognize me for my unique contribution. However, this cycle falls short of the deep thing inside that longs to be welcomed just because I am me, wanted, accepted, loved, and most importantly – liked. You like me because I am simply – me.

Here’s the good news, this is exactly what is happening! The loving, patient, kind, strong, smiling God of the universe is inviting me to Himself in a fresh way. Of course He always has been and always will be doing this, but somehow He has my attention (no small task.) The verse in John 14 “I go to prepare a place for you” has been rolling around in my heart for years now. Maybe this is that on this side of heaven…the thought of being wanted by God and having a place made by Him for me seems too good to be true, and yet it is true. The temptation now is to fill the blank space with busy work, helping others, inventing things to do, and answering the urgency of the moment. 

OK, I’m back, grandma and grandpa needed me to get the refrigerator ready to be replaced!! You   know…how hilarious!! Am I the savior of grandma’s and grandpa’s domestic world? Responding to their every wish and or need? The vote is still out – YES or NO? Help me! Ha!

Retreat as a Spiritual Practice
Jesus said to His disciples “Come away to a deserted place and rest awhile.” Hold that thought.

OK, no comment here on my lack of love for the modern retreat which has been anything but that! They should be promoted more truthfully like; “Come away with our group so you can be overstimulated with back to back activities and open-fire-hydrant-shouted-messages that you will never have a chance to process in a lifetime.”  And, how about those trust falls? You know, the team building activities which result in one’s heightened awareness of one’s more squishy parts being touched in ways that seem downright violating! I would prefer not to be caught by anyone. Trust? Not so much. AND, just how many ropes courses does it take for me to be included on the team? I’ve spent more time forgiving that bald guy who thought it was a great idea for me to jump from a 40 foot utility pole into the air to try to touch a flag to prove my connectedness to the team! “Let me down! I’m scared!!” AND YES, I forgive him, again. Hmm…That deserted place with Jesus is starting to sound really good! How’s that for “no comment” on retreats?

Yearning For Retreat
Here are the questions we are to hold in a time of quiet prayer: 

~ Is my yearning for closeness with God the actual invitation from Him?
~ Can I trust it?
~ Am I brave enough to let it carry me to the More?

Hmmm…God has never forced me to do anything. However, by virtue of obedience to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit, it seems He has arranged in this season a bundle of circumstances that give me a lot of room for retreat, recalibration, new practices, and rest for the soul, body, and mind. As a result I find myself here retreating. This is a sweet surprise. I’m feeling grateful to God for His pursuit of me. Am I brave? Probably not, but I am curious. And I know how to pray. I do know that He answers when I call. I believe.

Well then, I’ll turn this into a prayer of response to this invitation.

Oh Lord, help me to trust that my yearning for You is the invitation to You, created by You. Thank You for the space and time to long for You afresh.
Thank You for the Joy that comes with rest.
Please increase my yearning for You as a beautiful way forward.
Help me find that deep resting place with You.
Invitation ACCEPTED !
Thank You for giving me the courage to let my yearning carry me to the More.
P.S. I’ll probably need more courage along the way.
Thank you for Your kindness, patience and Love.
Amen.

If you resonate with this Invitation to Retreat and want to have a conversation with a spiritual director about what kinds of invitations you are sensing from God, please contact us. We would love to have a conversation, hear your story, and discuss what kind of response you’d like to make to these invitations. Contact us at Soul of the Shepherd.