by Angie Steinke

Journal Entry – July 22nd, 2018

I’m sitting here at the desk in the single occupancy room at a retreat center, entering into a reflection time as we enjoy an evening  of silence and solitude. We had been given a diagnostic test of sorts earlier in the morning after listening to Ruth Haley Barton open up our first retreat for our Transforming Community¹ with a talk about caring for our souls. It was titled: Are You Dangerously Tired?

When I reviewed the “Dangerously Tired” list, I realized that on almost every point I could check the box for each diagnostic statement. Thankfully, this list did not include some tempting illegal escapist behaviors! However, my wine pours are deeper and Netflix has become a great distraction. I just want to feel better and know that this is something I can’t fix.

“Dangerously Tired?” Hmm…let’s list a few of my symptoms on the list: 

☑️ Chronic helping without the measurable ability to receive help. 

☑️ Numbness to good or bad emotions. 

☑️ No time for self care – doing things that refresh your body and soul. 

Individually these all seem somewhat harmless when I read them, but when I write them all down I feel more concerned. Perhaps it’s time to take notice. I find myself getting mad at people’s self pity or self anything. Why? Well, apart from it being annoying, I have set up emotional boundary systems to move me past the situation, (practices most teachers, pastors, and parents use for survival), because it takes too much energy to care that much. I haven’t lost all empathy, but I do feel more numb than usual. 

“Dangerously Tired?”, sounds like a dramatic symptom of depression to me. We were instructed to not seek a “fix-it-plan” just yet. Ugh. I’m a fixer.

So Lord, I pray You would give me the grace to sit in the tension of this awareness. Please help me to close my eyes tonight trusting you with this pile of symptoms. I trust that this is not Your first case of inner restlessness, You being the humanity expert and all. I give You permission to hold it all. As You see fit, please return to me the tenderness of being a simple human soul, a human girl, wife, mother, and daughter. Truthfully, I’m a bit gun shy, it’s been easier to keep my emotions at arm’s length. Only a few years ago the “feeling” side of me was one of my favorite parts of me. Now not so much. I don’t trust my feelings. Possibly that’s not all bad. Amen. 

My husband Joe recently commented, Angie, you just can’t sit still! I KNOW IT! I like to be busy, I like to get something done. It’s satisfying. However, it’s not a deep satisfaction. This is only a temporary fix. Still, something is better than nothing at all. That’s what I don’t like, “nothing at all”.

I can relate to poor Peter’s statement after his epic fail; “I will go fishing”. So much is found here. His resignation to a lesser lifestyle, the lifestyle he knew before he met the beautiful man Jesus and discovered the many faceted love of God by the power of the Holy Spirit. Peter was invited into the wonders of the universe, being deeply forgiven, dramatically delivered, empowered to do the work of the Kingdom, a true witness of the miraculous! All this seems to be washed away with one denial, one big fat denial under insurmountable stress. This powerful friendship was lost, buried, muted, and then, darkness. I’m amazed that Peter was coherent enough to say the words that he did; “I will go fishing”. What if he had given up completely? I love Peter for his yearning soul, his raw humanity hanging out all over the place, his tenacious hope in Jesus beyond his current understanding. I need this kind of yearning now, but even so, I think I might like to just go join Peter on the shore and get back to work.

Well, now it makes sense to me why God asked me to “Rest…Rest…Rest.”

Ok, I’ll need some help here. I’m no good at resting, no good at being quiet. It feels lazy. I also struggle with the idea of what You, (God), think of me, what Your judgments may be, what Your feelings are toward me. I often feel like I haven’t done enough. I feel squirrelly and jumpy in the transition between settling down and really listening to You. I also feel it’s hard for people to get to know me in friendship. Even though this is the thing I long for with God and others. But when someone NEEDS me, I’m there. This feeds something I think I need – the need to be needed. Ha. I have found however, this can lead to unhealthy codependency. (Not because I read it in a book either). The result of this is a sense of loneliness. That seems like a very mean cycle. 

So now what? RETREAT? I THINK SO!

In conclusion
I don’t want to be too busy!
I don’t want to be resentful, or full of self pity.
I don’t want to be restless.
I don’t want to be numb.
I don’t want to be lonely.
I don’t need codependent relationships.
I don’t want to go fishing.
I don’t want to be DANGEROUSLY TIRED!
I can’t fix it.

Somehow I feel a bit better.

So, I pray.

Lord, in the resting time please bring to light what needs highlighting.
This rest is Yours.
This rest is mine too. Help me to receive your peace.
Teach me to come to You afresh and offload everything and begin again with returning and rest.
I give You my bright side.
I invite You here.
I give You my shadow side.
I invite You here.
I give You my strength.
I invite You here.
I give You my weakness.
I invite You here.
Thank you.
Amen.

Perhaps you can relate to this journal entry and it has invited you to take an honest assessment of the state of your own soul as a ministry leader. If you’d like to have a conversation with a spiritual director who can offer this: Are You Dangerously Tired? diagnostic and a follow-up session, we can set that up for you. Just contact us here with an email and tell us a bit about yourself and we will follow up with you.

1. Ruth offers a Transforming Community experience for ministry leaders delivered thorough 9 quarterly retreats in a little over 2 years. I was in TC15 with my husband Joe and a few other friends.
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